Amethyst Angel Presents...
1. Smoking is good for you. It makes you stronger! Smarter! FASTER ! And it makes you look cool. (This message in no way endorsed by the Office of the United States Surgeon General).
2. Dogs are almost always smarter than people. (At least THEY know better than to gamble all their money away as soon as it comes into their hands, er, paws...)
3. When in doubt, ask the grizzled old fortune teller. Either that or just wander around a while. The next major plot point is bound to come running smack into you sooner or later.
4. Bounty hunting is a lot like gambling. The only way one could really make a small fortune at it, is to start with a large fortune...
5. The amount of money (if any) that one receives on a bounty is inversely proportional to the amount of work and the level of suffering and physical pain that went into bringing it in...
6. No matter where you go in the universe, you'll always find that the Three Old Guys have gotten there long before you... Don't ever try to question why that happens. Just accept the fact and go on with your life...
7. Never stand in doorways, next to bars, or in front of shop counters. (Unless you WANT your body to be riddled with bullets fired by mysterious, machine-gun toting goons who frequently strafe such areas without a moment's warning OR a clearly discernible reason...)
8. When on Ganymede, never, EVER order the Sea Rat Sautee.....
9. When in the vicinity of a dangerous, mutating virus, it is wise to periodically check your pockets every once in a while to make sure a vial of it hasn't been stashed in there while you weren't looking.
10. There are times when it is appropriate to offer someone constructive criticism for their lack of singing skill. When you're lying down on a bench all bandaged up and horribly injured is NOT one of those times...(Especially if the person whose skill you're criticizing has a VERY BAD ATTITUDE).
11. The person you're looking for usually turns out to be very different from the person you're REALLY looking for.
12. Kids are generally evil. But the ones you really got to watch out for are the kids who are WAY older than you are.
13. When around androgynous space truckers, it is wise to keep a pair of earplugs handy. (Not only are they useful for blocking out ear-splitting heavy metal music, they're also good for keeping your eardrums from blowing out during those brief, but harrowing, space-walks without a spacesuit...)
14. If your quarry happens to be a nebbish, little, Woody-Allen-type guy with a dragon tattoo on his arm, DO NOT CHASE AFTER HIM. Chances are, he's got enough explosives on his person to destroy a space station.
15. If you manage to triumph over an opponent using a newly-learned martial arts move, save the celebratory thumbs-up until AFTER the gunfight is over.
16. Most promises are made to be broken... Unless they're promises made to a girl named Edward. In which case, you'd better damn well keep them.
17. Never leave stuff in the refrigerator.
18. Whatever happens, happens.
19. If a saxophone-playing hermaphrodite offers to take you to his, uh, her apartment, don't go.
20. Never let Ed paint your toenails.
21. IF you wake up in a hospital room and you have no idea who you are or how you got there, you can be certain of one thing--you owe somebody a LOT of money.....
22. If you see a mushroom lying around out in the open somewhere, no matter how hungry you are, do NOT eat it.
23. The best machine for the job almost invariably turns out to be something that was invented in the latter half of the 20th century.
24. Keep in mind that kicking the crap out of such antique machinery does NOT in any way enhance its performace...
25. In the future, the only people who will be watching "Beverly Hills 90210" will be slobbering, socially backward otaku obsessed with ancient video technology, (Which, quite frankly, is as it SHOULD be)....
26. If one wants a simple, stress-free life, then these three classes of people should be avoided at all costs: precocious children, beautiful women with attitudes, and balloon-shaped assassins.
27. When bullets, missiles, bombs, and other highly advanced weapons technology fails to stop a seemingly invincible enemy, try throwing something low-tech, like a knife.
28. Somewhere in the universe, there exists for every person, a perfect double who walks like you, talks like you, and acts like you in every way. Pray you don't ever run into this person.
29. If you DO happen to run into this person, you'll find they have blonde hair and blue eyes, speak in Engrish, dress like a cowboy, and f*$# up your plans at every turn.
31. Mad Bombers on the whole don't live very fulfilling lives...(They have a real hard time getting people to listen to them.)
32. Just because someone is in a persistent vegetative state or senile, that doesn't mean that they, or something they've created long ago, can't wreak havoc across the galaxy.
33. Television is the greatest evil mankind has ever invented. (Although devoting an entire television episode to express that message may seem like biting the hand that feeds you.)
34. You may think that someone you know is the most insane person you've ever met. But that's only because you haven't met their father yet...
35. Just because a man is chained to a wall and has a hundred guns pointed at him, that doesn't mean he's out for the count yet.
36. If a man tells you you're about to cry red tears, consider yourself screwed...
37. Life is nothing but a dream...
And lastly, the final thing I've learned by watching Cowboy Bebop. (And I'll write it in white, since it's a major spoiler. Just select the words to make them visible...)
38. Just because you're the dashing young hero, that doesn't mean you won't ultimately wind up buying the farm when the last scene fades out...
Wait! Don't go yet! Here are some suggestions sent in to me by helpful readers who have felt the need to share what they have learned from partaking of the glorious melee of music, animation and contemporary philosophy that is Cowboy Bebop. Feel free to send in your own suggestions, if you have any. (I, of course, reserve the right to edit for content, spelling, and/or grammar, and any similar-sounding suggestions that two people send to me at the same time will usually be listed together.)
That being said, on with the suggestions!
39. Don't piss off people with purple hair.(Zel Rossi)
40. If you say that the first rule of combat is to "shoot them before they shoot you", and then open fire on your enemies, make sure that you hit them so that you don't look ridiculous.(Zel Rossi)
41 . Don't ever trust beautiful women. Ever.(Zel Rossi)
42. Remember to notice the difference between a period and a comma. (Ed's father's bounty)(Zel Rossi)
43. Everyone's insane. Deal with it.(Zel Rossi)
44. Remember kids, anyone can get blown out of a 4th story window and live to tell about it.(Zel Rossi)
45. Don't be afraid to be rough on your vehicle.(Zel Rossi)
46. If someone offers to sell you a dog, buy it! (the pet shop lady from ep 2)(Zel Rossi)
47. Switch the emergency rations at least twice a year.(Zel Rossi)
48. Don't take music boxes from people you barely even know.(Zel Rossi)
49. A sword can make a good shish ke bab.(Zel Rossi)
50. Whatever you are looking for will end up where you least expect it.(Zel Rossi)
51. Remember to ask for Julia, not Julius.(Zel Rossi)
52. Help people in need, otherwise Karma will kick you in the nuts.(Zel Rossi)
53. C4, C4, C4!(Zel Rossi)
54. Anyone who keeps crows as pets is EVIL! EVIL!(Search 8496)
55. Beware of secret operations named after your old love.(Search 8496)
56. Remember: When dressing for success, shoes are optional but goggles are a must.(Alys J.E.)
57. Disaster is always in store whenever ex-girl/boyfriends show up.(Alys J.E.)
58. Making friends with satellites is fun.(Alys J.E.)
59. Pink is the most macho color for a spaceship.(Alys J.E.)
60. You can't go home again. No, really. It's been demolished.(Alys J.E.)
61. You will end up living with whatever annoys you the most (be it pets, women, or kids).(Alys J.E.)
62. Yellow vinyl hot pants are both practical and comfortable.(Alys J.E.)
63. Dwelling on the past never hurt anybody. Oh, wait...(Alys J.E.)
64. Though Shaft is one bad@ss *&$^#$, his brother John is the opposite.(Meichan)
65. If you decide to vacation on Earth, it is advisable to either spend all of your time underground or bring an umbrella.(Jody Armstrong)
66. Feet and Toes are just as practical and versatile as hands and fingers, if not more so.(Jody Armstrong)
67. If you don't want a screaming kid when you get back, be sure to bring Ed a souvenir.(Jody Armstrong)
68. Pistols are more effective and accurate than shotguns, rifles, bazookas and plasma cannons, even at long range.(Jody Armstrong)
69. Wherever you go, there will always be somebody who owes Jet a favour.(Jody Armstrong)
70. It doesn't matter what people think of modern music, blues and jazz always sound great.(Jody Armstrong)
71. Don't ask Ed to look after your garden.(Jody Armstrong)
72. When you're in trouble, light up a cigarette.(Jody Armstrong)
73. Use battery-powered chess games.(Jody Armstrong)
74. When a cool character gets killed off, don't worry, he'll probably have a twin brother.(Jody Armstrong)
75. Dogs are better than ponies!(Azeroth)
76. If you see a frog on a long stairway to heaven, take his advice.(PandaGreg)
77. There is never any beef in the bell peppers and beef.(PandaGreg)
78. Alien spoofs are always a good way to lighten the mood.(PandaGreg)
79. Never send packages to yourself in the future COD.(PandaGreg)
80. A gun beats a sword hands down.....well in most cases.(PandaGreg)
81. Never join a cult to catch a computerized bounty even if he is creepy looking.(PandaGreg)
82. Talk to your plants. They just might hold the meaning of life.(PandaGreg)
83. When you go to visit your home planet, no matter how many people may populate that planet, you will always run into someone you know.(Spirit)
84.. Despite the infinite vastness of space, if your ship is stranded somewhere you can bet money that someone will either find you or run into you.(Spirit)
85. Always check the expiration date on the emergency rations before eating them, especially if you eat them behind the backs of your comrades.(Spirit)
86. No one stays dead for very long, especially if you owe them money.(Spirit)
87. How dangerous you are is proportional to how well you can play a musical instrument, unless your name is Spike.(Spirit)
88. It IS possible to hide large amounts of explosives in an actual sentient bird, no matter how ridiculously impossible it may seem.(GKSetzer)
89. Never EVER (EVER!) fall in love with your best friend's girlfriend. (Especially if he has a brutal sounding adjective as a name....that's a no-brainer).(GKSetzer)
90. Dog food can be considered "fine dining" if one is in the right frame of mind. (Whichever frame that may be.)(GKSetzer)
91. Always stop to drink the martini.(GKSetzer)
92. Refrigerators are not only good for storing food, (or lack thereof in some cases) but can also be used for stashing heavy artillery.(GKSetzer)
93. Someday it will all make sense...when that day comes, you'll either be dead or so tripped out on mushrooms you'll have forgotten.(GKSetzer)
94. If you are a roving bounty hunter who wears a blue suit and pants most of the time and smokes, you might as well paint a bulls-eye on your head. This also applies if you wear a blue suit and pants, smoke, and carry around a huge cross that changes into a multitude of guns.(heh, little Trigun reference there).(Zel Rossi)
95. Don't stand by the bartender. they're always the first to get hit.(C.Y.)
96. If your past comes calling, don't answer.(C.Y.)
97. Always honor the last wishes of dying people.(C.Y.)
98. Eat eggs! Even a martial arts master would find it impossible to beat you if you eat a basket of eggs a day!(Charlie)
99. Always make video records of yourself in case you get amnesia later on.(Charlie)
100. You should really know the difference between beta and VHS.(Charlie)
101. Bras aren't fashionable.(azeroth)
102. In the future, all children have large red spots on their cheeks that fall off upon aging, much like those green belly-button things on babies.(azeroth)
103. Sombreroes + drunken boxing = fun times.(azeroth)
104. Shrooms cure brain freeze.(azeroth)
105. You know you're in trouble when it starts raining with the classical music.(azeroth)
106. Dog whistle cars are not a good idea, kids.(azeroth)
107. When in doubt, duck behind the pinball machine(azeroth)
108. Blondes sleep AROUND.(azeroth)
109. Bigger is NOT better.(Moira aka bbriefs)
110. Kicking stuff does NOT make stuff work, but it DOES make you feel a bit better.(Moira aka bbriefs)
111. Never believe a lawyer. They're just out to get you to pay their debts.(Rei-chan)
112. When hunting an evil blob that has escaped from the fridge, don't go after it alone. Just sit back and if you wait long enough, the kid will eat it.(Rei-chan)
113. Even if you are injured very badly and fall out a window, you'll be ok. You'll just end up back on your ship, all wrapped up like a mummy.(Rei-chan)
114. The best mouse (rat-terrorist) trap is right next to a hyperspace gate before they exit.(Aregetsu)
115. Be aware of the intensity of your blowtorch (especially when cooking food and lighting cigarettes).(Stef)
116. Don't EVER gamble against purple-haired females -- they always cheat.(Stef)
117. Brush your teeth (Spike does!).(Stef)
118. DON'T pour beer on cereal no matter how good it might look at the time.(Stef)
119. Women that look pregnant aren't always carrying children.(Stef)
120. Always check the bathroom for occupants before you reveal secrets from your past.(Stef)
121. Nobody cares if you wear the same outfit EVERY SINGLE DAY.(Stef)
122. Don't tip that empty-headed blonde waitress.(GuitarBenL)
123. You can always let the dog do the previews for the next episode.(Michael Himura)
124. Remember...You may not always have food, but for some unknown reason you will ALWAYS have cigarettes(Anya)
125. Alcohol can only enhance your markmanship and piloting skills! Really!(Anya)
126. Never leave your comrade alone with your woman or your syndicate...He's bound to take over one of them.(Anya)
127. No matter how dumb your blonde co host acts on the air, be careful when you publicly announce the end of her career, --she could get violent.(Anya)
128. When the purple haired bishonen tells you not to peek when he's showering...to best avoid breast envy you should take his advice.(Anya)
129. Trying to get a free seat at the opera only gets you kidnapped and tied up, no matter how cute your dress is.(Anya)
130. Signs that say "no smoking" are mere suggestions, feel free not to heed their warnings.(Anya)
131. Being badly injured and bandaged is NOT an excuse to turn down an invitation from a pear shaped assassin.(Anya)
132. Men with thick eyebrows are nothing but trouble. Oh sure they say they'll help bail you out of debt...but in the end they will only leave you with theirs when they fake their death.(Anya)
133. Handcuffs are useless on Faye. After about the 3rd time she escapes you should realize this and try rope.(Anya)
134. Stink gas guns aren't the most practical of weapons, indoors or out.(Anya)
135. One should never trust Jet with matters of decimals.
136. When confronted in a "sword versus gun" situation, just shoot the guy.(Anya)
137. Treat girls like $#!t, they won't leave you, JET.(ROSFAM5)
138. When a stranger in an airport asks you to train him and refers to you as master, TRAIN HIM. HE MIGHT GIVE YOU SOMETHING IN RETURN.(ROSFAM5)
139. Don't get any tattoos of any long-tailed animals on your chest. Unless you really love that animal.(ROSFAM5)
140. If you're trying to cure something, stay away from any recipes involving dead animals. They'll only make you feel worse. (A LOT worse).(ROSFAM5)
141. Ask the bartender for a bloody mary instead of a beer.(ROSFAM5)
142. Cigarettes go down mighty easy and regurgitate just as well.(TheSlrJptr)
143. Teddy bears aren't always cute.(TheSlrJptr)
144. It's possible to scale buildings sans wires when you're really p$ssed off and you want to bash the cowboy's brains in.(TheSlrJptr)
145. Horses fit in elevators.(TheSlrJptr)
146. Beavis now pilots a pirate spaceship, AND is a master hacker, AND an excellent marksman with the harpoon.(TheSlrJptr)
147. Panties aren't necessary, as long as your shorts are REALLY short.(TheSlrJptr)
148. Bras aren't either, as long as your breasts are extremely large.(TheSlrJptr)
149. Spike could kick Lupin's sorry arse any day of the week, and he looks much sharper in that outfit.(Bina~san)
150. Never keep talking while holding the heroine hostage with a gun to her head.(Kurisu-chan)
151. When you incinerate your cigarette after facing a strange, black life-form, never be afraid to step into a room full of deadly gas to get more cigarettes.(ophitex)
152. Amusement parks suck.(ophitex)
153. The best place to stage a duel is on top of a skyscraper that just exploded.(BC Man)
154. No matter how many times someone is shot, stabbed, or flung out of a window, they still have enough strength to utter some poetic last words.(BC Man)
155. The polite way to introduce yourself to a bountyhead is to tell him/her how much he/she is worth.(BC Man)
156. Always go out with a bang.(BC Man)
157. In the future, the only people who will listen to heavy metal will be truck drivers, or their functional equivalent. Jazz and Blues, however, will survive forever.(BC Man)
158. No matter how hard you suck the smoke wont come out of the bullet holes in your body.(kenshin himura)
159. Death is not something to be afraid of...and we sometimes hafta die as long as its not in vain.(MadGoose)
160. Always eat what you put in the fridge before it becomes a new life form.(NeoTrin101)
161. You will always get annoyed at the double of the man you love.(NeoTrin101)
162.Speak in the third person, Ed does. (NeoTrin101)
163. This one is a spoiler and a real thing that we had to point out because someone said that Faye's end wasn't sad enough: When shooting in the air after letting the man you love go off to die, always leave one more shot left in the gun. (It was a six shooter and she only shot five rounds in the air)(NeoTrin101)
164. if u r fighting a killer that can not be killed ,then all u have to do is throw a knife at him and he will cry like a baby.And then probly get smashed by a huge dog.(Earth814)
165. Don't ever get into a heated debate with Jet over his Bell Peppers and Beef, if he is trying to tell you about a bounty. (It can get kinda ugly) (CaptonNead)
These next few are by Basara.
166. A denim vest with no bra IS a convincing bounty hunter outfit, especially when you have your own show.
167. Bounties worth more than $1,000,000 always die before you can collect.
168. Chicks donít go for the hardware bolted to your face look.
169. You can always come back to Jetís ship, even if he kicks you out.
170. An Earth spaceport isnít always the best place to pick up clues about bounties.
171. South America makes one heck of a painterís canvas. ^_^
172. Never believe rockfall predictions over the radio.
173. No matter how smart a dog you are, you still need the humans to feed you.
174. When you find out how much that bountyís worth, call Spike. Heís with him right now.
175. Mugging foreigners in a town no sane foreigner visits is not a practical business.
176. Never get in a game of tag with Spike.
177. If you have a cool enough looking ship, the police will never come after you, no matter how much damage you cause chasing your bounty.
178. Dad will always catch you when you dive off of ships.
179. Never, ever get in a draw match with Spike when there is a moving obstacle that can block your shots between you. What am I saying?!? NEVER GET IN A DRAW MATCH WITH SPIKE PERIOD!!
These next few are by Rain-chan.
180. The fastest car in the world is actually a scooter.
181. When being chased by syndicate goonies in a car, always aim for the left tire in the front.
182. Now we know what happens if you leave food in the fridge for a year.
183. You'll never beat Spike in hand to hand combat, unless you're Ed's dad. Then you'll just get humiliated.
184. Courtesy Lesson: Instead of saying "Bless You" when someone sneezes, say "Take Care".
185. Men are such idiots.
186. When you're about to confront the mushroom seller for "murdering" your brother, make sure the coffin you're going to put him in is not placed in the middle of the street, because chances are, it will get run over by a truck.
187. Even the floating, manical-laughing, pear-shaped assassain has feelings too.
188. The gun never beats the sword.
189. Just because you see a guy who looks like the person who took care of you after being unfrozen but he's fat doesn't mean he's not the same dude. (thorzhammer205)
These next ones are courtesy of Virginia Jolly.
190. Napalm does not make a very good marinade for shishkabob
191. A cat sitting on your head can get you the hitched ride you need even if you're a messed up loser and bounty hunter scum bag
192. It's no use ignoring your would-be student if he is persistent enough to irritate you into teaching him your craft one way or another.
193. Zero gravity makes for a great ashtray as well as tool and parts holder
194. Even if you dug the Blues when you were first a babe, your old friend will one-up you by being hip even before that.
195. Spooky Space Alien black blobs of traveling pudding are good to eat--at least in your sleep.
196. That person who is hacking real-time on your computer and communicating with you is Ed!
197. Never remove a chessboard Edward is playing with. Never remove her opponent, either.
198. Always put on your gloves before you take on an opponent, or you might just chip a nail.
199. "Men are such babies!"
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