So far, this is purely to post the quotes I've collected. So I'll just put these here for now. If I come up with another use for this bit, they may have to shift...
Also keep in mind this is interactive. I have some quotes here without authors. If you know the origin of the line, tell me. I really want to know. But no, I don't want to know if you're just going to say "My friend Joey said that the other day!" Because I don't think I can predict Joey's actions quite that well, do you? I've been collecting these for about 4 years. The ones without a source are mostly from 1997 or earlier.
If a funny took two people to produce, I made an opinionated decision and just picked whoever I personally gave more credit to, and filed it under that person's name. They're alphabetical by, er, author? speaker? generator? Whatever. Not all are funny, some are just cool. If I didn't know someone's real name (like "Sockpuppet" or other alias) I used the alias. Or I used the name of the TV show it was from. Etc.
Main chunks or bits likely to be sought:
Adams, Fred Allen, Babylon 5, Bellingham, Bleackley, Booth, Breebaart, Brown, Buckley, Calvin & Hobbes, Crowell, Cuppy, De Mulder, Dickens, Dingjaan, Dominik (more than one), Elton, Finch, Frisco, Fry, Gaiman, Gibson, Goddard, Goons, Gowen, Grant, Gunelson, Hallett, Hampl, Heimerl, Henry the Virtual Cat, Hicks, Izzard, Johnson(more than one), Kamilewicz, Kettlewell, Knell, Knight, Krabbe, Kruzycka, Lichtwark ("Ridcully"), Lileks, Lowes, Mankiewicz, Martin, Morris, Muggli, O'Brien (more than one), Olpiner, O'Rourke, Ottery, Parker, Parkinson, Paulukonis, Peake, Poser, Poston, ppint., Pratchett, Pritchard, Ridge, Riosa, Rood, Ross, Runyon, Sayers, Shaw, Simmons, Sklenicka, Slip Twister, Smith, Sockpuppet, Sondheim, Stone, Tarbet, Thurber, Wallace, Wentz, Wodehouse, Wright, Yeomans, Zwanzig, Unknown
(Background: Pyramids flaring off excess time at sunset.) "alt.fan.pratchett: Let's keep this thread on Teppic." --'73 Chevy Pick-Up

Set your chickens free! Go stick your head in a pig! --Douglas Adams?

Technology is impossible to predict, but stupidity is a known constant. --Scott Adams

I read a book. . .actually, I skimmed it, which is like reading except without the comprehension. --Scott Adams

[A conference is] a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. --Fred Allen If you run with scissors, you might get hurt. Even walking with scissors isn't such a hot idea. On the other hand, you can't avoid all risks and scissors are rather low on the spectrum of risks-- probably below boredom, insurance salesmen and meteorites. --Arachnophilia 3.9

I've never played assassins. Manic depressive half elves are more my style... --Liselle Awwal

"Drall gave Zathros list of things not to say. This was one. No. Not good, not supposed to mention one, or The One, or ...You never heard that." Zathrus, Babylon 5

Colm: "Guns don't kill people; tobacco kills people." Alan: "... only because nobody smokes twenty handguns a day." Colm Buckley and Alan Bellingham

Originally it was a typo. Now it's a way of life. --Ben (?)

Roy Batty: I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die. --_Bladerunner_

It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. My sense of direction is a real blessing. --Pete Bleackley

That's the bee's knees, the wasp's nipples, etc. --Stephen Booth

Did I show you what I bought for Kimberly when I was buying underwear this morning? -- Leo Breebaart

The monkey has left the Lamborghini. -- Leo Breebaart

The mark of a man, said Sir Athelstan, is the size and shape of his frying pan. --Simes Brown

"Bartender, I'll have what she's having." "One nervous breakdown, no ice." -- Joann Dominik & Simes Brown

Sophisticated and understated ass. --Simes Brown

"I like the lilies. They're nice." "I think you can get those in other houses, too." --Simes Brown

"Is 'fuckhole' good enough?" "Sounds good to me." --Joann Dominik & Simes Brown

Why are you crying? Something to do, innit? --Simes Brown

Many things pass me by. Cars, for a start. --Simes Brown

(Tango foxtrot) this is sleepy cheesecake-- the target has entered the bar. --Simes Brown

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. --Simes Brown

Sime's Law of Programming: If it doesn't work, explain it to someone else. It won't help, but at least they'll be more confused than you are. --Simes Brown

Wallet: the Withering --Simes Brown?

Amazing DevelopMints: suck it and see. --Simes Brown

Gigantic mutant sausage rolls spotted in Eastbourne. "I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it." says an annoyed Sharon Stone. --Simes Brown

Call it an educated guess, then. Or call it Bernice, if you like. --Simes Brown

I have been known to resort to sarcasm when pushed. Either that, or to fall over. --Simes Brown

"'One OS to rule them all, one OS to find them, one OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.' --Bill Gates" --Simes Brown

"Well, you know what they say. At least I hope you do, because I've forgotten." --Simes Brown

"Snail mail? How quaint. Not much of a user interface, though, is it?" --Simes Brown

"Thousands of years ago some seer looked into the future and saw me, and said, 'My God... I have to write this down.'" --Simes Brown

"Funny you should mention pride..." --Simes Brown

"I have days like that. About seven a week, on average." --Simes Brown

"And so, once more, Simes boldly grasps entirely the wrong end of the stick." --Simes Brown

"It's good to have hopes. If only to jump through." --Simes Brown

"I'm just pathologically helpful, I suppose." --Simes Brown

"I'm really insecure as well. I dunno if I mentioned that." --Simes Brown

(If you cross an Amazingly Real frog with a glow-in-the dark one, from my menagerie...) "You might get an Amazingly-in-the-dark frog, which doesn't know anything." --Simes Brown

"I used to shout at the TV a lot when I lived alone. It kept using the milk." --Simes Brown

"I'd've been a fool to expect it. Nuncle." --Simes Brown

"I'll apply standard disclaimers. With force, if necessary." --Simes Brown

"I must've had 20 males. It was out of position for 24 hours." --Rob Collier (outrageously misquoted by Simes Brown)

"...As is my wont." "You wonton beast, Simes." "No-one deep-fries me and gets away with it." --Simes Brown and Gideon Hallett

"Simes hums 'Where's me whippet' in E by gum flat cap major." --Simes Brown

There are more things on heaven and earth than I can safely fit into one shoe box. --Simes Brown

"Stupid? Been there, done that, forgot to buy the t-shirt, that's how stupid I am." --Simes Brown

"I may have multiple personalities, but they're all the same. They work in shifts." --Simes Brown

My sex drive has bad sectors. --Simes Brown

My sex drive has crazy paving. --Simes Brown

"I've never needed a reason for anything I do. Which is just as well, when you think about it." --Simes Brown

Carpe testiculos. --Simes Brown

"Some things are said to come from Beyond. Me, I come from Beside. It's not so exotic, but the view's better." --Simes Brown

Live life in the bus lane. --Simes Brown

Death is the one visitor you never expect. So keep some wine in the fridge. --Simes Brown

"Here's some old rope." "Why, thank you. Have some money." --Simes Brown

There are no stupid questions, only stupid people. --Simes Brown

By the time you've finished reading this, you'll wonder why you bothered. --Simes Brown

If we were meant to understand life, it'd come with instructions. If life was meant to be simple, we wouldn't need them. --Simes Brown

It was the dawning of the third age of mankind. However, mankind had forgotten to set its alarm clock and slept through it. -- Simes Brown

Perl is the seven-dimensional swiss army knife of programming languages. --Simes Brown

"I have a sound card of +15 Grooviness." "You have two monitors of +32 Git Regeneration. And the rest follows hard thereon." "Don't forget the set bonus of +70% Jealousy Resistance." --Simes Brown and Joann Dominik

_The Englishman who went up a Hill and Came Down a Throat_ --Colm Buckley

". . .speaking out of a somewhat unusual orifice. . ." -Colm Buckley

Forth a language people who from Yoda the of backwards speaking art learned for only is. --Colm Buckley

I'll be suffering from the Heineken Uncertainty Principle ("Hey, isn't this Carlsberg?") soon. --Colm Buckley

Careful-- we don't want to learn from this. --Calvin & Hobbes

Alistaire Cooke said American culture was freakishness masquerding as originalty.

"`Quack' -Confused Cat" --Ric Craig

"`Squeak' -Confused Cat" --Ric Craig

All lecturers read in closets in the hope of discovering Narnia. --Ewan Crichton

You look like a million and ten dollars. --Susie Crowell

Here I am, one of the main reasons why the annual consumption of canned beans in the United States must be measured in light years. --Will Cuppy

The psychology of the tin can, its folklore and its sex life are subjects that would well reward further study, although there is already a considerable literatue in this field. --Will Cuppy

Fish, you know, are good for the brain, unless I am thinking of lettuce. --Will Cuppy

Personally, I feel that it is no outsider's business what goes on in a can of succotash from season to season so long as it harms no one else. --Will Cuppy

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate. --Dante (Abandon every hope, who enter here)

"It's quite astonishingly expensive to be part of the machine of property-owning capitalism." "What about being the capital property of machined partism?" "That's just silly." --Tom De Mulder and Simes Brown

Most people don't "think outside the box", they just bark up the same flagpole. --Tom De Mulder

"In this desire for earnestness, I trace the happy influences of the little flour-barrel and the coffee-mill. Gratifying." -- Eugene Wrayburn, _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

"You know that when I became enough of a man to find myself an embodied conundrum, I bored myself to the last degree by trying to find out what I meant...The old nursery form runs, 'Riddle-me-riddle-me-ree, p'raps you can't tell me what this may be?' My reply runs, 'No. Upon my life, I can't.'" -- Eugene Wrayburn, _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

Tippins, with a bewitching little scream, opines that we shall every one of us be murdered in our beds. Eugene eyes her as if some of us would be enough for him. -- _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

[He] devoted the interval to taking an observation of . . . whiskers, and considering which pattern of whisker he would prefer to produce out of himself by friction if the Genie of the cheek would only answer to his rubbing. --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

Making a dignified attempt to gather himself together, but, as it were, dropping half a dozen pieces of himself while he tried in vain to pick up one. . . --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

Perhaps the skeleton in the cupboard comes out to be talked to, on such occasions? ---_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

Mrs. Hubbard's dog is said to have smoked, but proof is wanting. --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

Too much nose in his face, too much ginger in his whiskers, too much torso in his waistcoat, too much sparkle in his studs, his eyes, his buttons, his talk, and his teeth. --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

A reviving impression goes round the table that Eugene is coming out. An unfulfilled impression, for he goes in again. --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

At this stage of the affair the poor girl respectfully intimated that she was secretly engaged to that popular character whom the novelists and versifiers call Another. --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

"Without lime, my existence would be unilluminated by a ray of hope." --Eugene Wrayburn, _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

[The name suggests] brasses in country churches, scrolls in stained-glass windows, and generally the De Wilfers who came over with the Conqueror. For it is a remarkable fact in genealogy that no De Anyones ever came over with Anybody else. --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

". . .speaking now with professional profundity, and not with individual imbecility. . ." --Mortimer Lightwood, _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

"Professionally he declines and he falls, and as a friend he drops into poetry." --Mr Boffin, _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

"My father having been a shipper of lime before me, and my grandfather before him-- in fact we having been a family immersed to the crowns of our heads in lime during several generations. . ." --Eugene Wrayburn, _Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

Full-Private Number One in the Awkward Squad --_Our Mutual Friend_, Dickens

I never miss an opportunity to blame someone, and when I do, it's their fault. --Jos Dingjan

An optimist always hopes a pessimist isn't. --Jos Dingjaan's .sig file

 Phaeoughmes = How to spell "Simes," or something you cough up. --Simes Brown, Emily Dominik, Jim Heimerl

Still waters run investment corporations. --Emily Dominik

Hope doesn't really spring eternal. It springs a leak and runs dry, in my case. --Emily Dominik

That's right, it's "Get in touch with your inner-animal-on-a-vehicle" week! --Joann Dominik

Live fast, die young, drink Pepsi. --Joann Dominik

I'm so glad to have been here when you guys discovered Satan --Joann Dominik

"I know the territory, I've been around. It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down, and sooner or later...I always get my man..." --Joann Dominik, Meatloaf/Madonna songs

Thanks for bringing that little spot of hellfire to brighten my day. --Joann Dominik

The human mind is an interesting place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. --Joann Dominik

Why you green-nosed, hairy-eyed, bubble-brained, knuckle-lipped stick with bugs on. --Joann Dominik

I'm sorry, but if you guys are going to discuss explosive diarrhea and projectile crapping, I'm outta here. --Joann Dominik

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. --Joann Dominik

A bitch in time saves mine. --Joann Dominik

Of chewy dip and silly whacks and whether pigs have kings. --Joann Dominik

"You have Barney poisoning. Seek treatment at once." --Joann Dominik

"Disgust is a good thing. I like to encourage it in others." --Joann Dominik

"You are what we call in the field A Special Case. Indoors, we just call you a loonie." --Joann Dominik

I'm lulling you into a false sense of ambivalence. --Joann Dominik

There's only so much kissing-up I can stand from my software. But when it shows distinct signs of jealousy, too, then I start getting weirded out. --Joann L Dominik

I will make sure that I do not inform you of your ignorance about your presence on any list of mine that I do not have or ever will have. You will not even know that there's a list that you don't know about. --what Robin Parkinson called a "moebius sentence" or a "verbal optical illusion" by Joann Dominik

I was never very good at denial. --Joann Dominik

Always ask for free samples from the Devil *before* you sell out civilisation. --Joann Dominik

Turn into a snake and your next car's FREE! --Joann Dominik

What would the world be like without rhetorical questions? --Joann Dominik

I am sick of dealing with people who need Hints fed to them on a big silver Hint Spoon. --Joann Dominik

Ah, you gather clues and pass them out to the good children! The Clue Fairy! --Joann Dominik

Jake can't be with us tonight-- he's out re-stringing his pick-up. --Joann Dominik

Sid's got the begats-- he won't be in for work today. --Joann Dominik

I reckon Henry got bored and wrote himself a 'bot for a friend. --Joann Dominik

My response times vary widely from "fairly slow" to "where did I get your address again?" --Joann Dominik

What kinda prevert *are* you? (I like the preverts with the chewy custard centres, meself.) --Joann Dominik

I have to think like that these days or the Paranoia gods come and steal my kneecaps. --Joann Dominik

Women like a paranoid male-- they're easier to manipulate and control... up to a point. Then they go mad and shoot you. --Joann Dominik

Isn't it someone else's turn to be me now? --Joann Dominik

I don't need Antarctica to supply me with weirdness. I've got net access. --Joann L Dominik

Brevity and all that stuff Paarfi goes on about. --Joann Dominik

I'm told we still have Dad's head in the basement somewhere. --Joann Dominik

"Do you really know everything?" "I don't know." --Joann Dominik & Robin Parkinson

I believe abuse of profanity is the sign of a small vocabulary. Size matters. --John P Dominik

You....you old bowl of soup with a spoon in it! --John J Dominik

Two guys cross a hotel lobby carrying wedding props-- big plastic columns: "Oh, look-- columnists." --John J. Dominik

"She's got a Lamborghini for a brain, but there's a monkey at the wheel." --Julie Dominik

If you're a teacher and nobody's got a crush on you, then you're probably a failure. --Shirley Dominik

"Ohh, somebody get a knife and we'll cut her fingers!" --Shirley Dominik on seeing some Pooh bandaids

Evolution happens. --Shirley Dominik

"Hello Mr. Faceless Creature Of Evil. Will you be my friend?" --Duckman

Of course the seasons are represented by the coiling of a serpent, because it's hard to represent the seasons by the coiling of a hippopotamus. --Foucault's Pendulum, Humberto Eco

How were you supposed to run a country for the good of all if you kept worrying about people's damn rights? --_Stark_, Ben Elton

Those passengers on the right of the plane should get a good view of the mountains and those on the left should just be able to make out a 747 full of terrified people pointing at you and screaming 'get the fuck out of the way'. --_Stark_, Ben Elton

Emmet's government promises a hooker in every pot: "or some pot with every hooker." --Elusis

Cats are bastards, but they have the good grace to be honest about it. Most humans could take a few tips from them. --Leila Fetter

Six years ago, bellringing captured my imagination. I'd like it back now, please, in case I need it for something else. --Tony Finch?

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I can never make out the numbers. --Tony Finch?

Ooo, pass my handbag! --Tony Finch

Hellfire and dalmatians --Rocky Frisco

Congenitally clue-challenged --Rocky Frisco

"Horphins and endormones." --Rocky Frisco

"De Bandersnatch be dead, massa." --Rocky Frisco

Clippetyclop (frown) clippetyclop --Amish drive-by shunning --Rocky Frisco

"Unfortunately I only get back into the real world on weekends." --Frugal

If you can't join them, beat them. --_The Liar_, Stephen Fry

"What do you want?" "What does anyone want?" "Dead things. Extra teeth." --_Neverwhere_, Neil Gaiman

Have you ever spent days and days and days making up flavours of ice cream no-one's ever eaten before? Like chicken and telephone ice cream? --Delerium, _Sandman_, Neil Gaiman

"'Ere, Sarge, pass me another elf. This one's split." --_Grunts_ Mary Gentle

"I don't know how stiff they're gonna get." --Shannon Gibson, on egg whites

Usenet-- if it didn't exist, nobody in their right mind would invent it. --David Goddard

"Neddy, get into this piano." "No, thank you, it might be infectious." "That's alright, I'm driving." --Goon Show

"Why such a long face?" "Heavy dentures." --Goon Show

India, 1902. From the year of the same name. --Goon Show (via Emmet O'Brien's .sig file)

Like other men his age, he's fifty. --Goon Show (via Emmet O'Brien's .sig file)

	I'm a big fan of 
	Iambic Pentameter
	but this is haiku.  --Tim Gowen
They said he was of Jewish extraction. Oh really; how was he extracted? --Michael Grant

The grave of Karl Marx is just another communist plot. --Michael Grant

Madness takes its toll...please have exact change. --Michael Grant

If you see an onion ring, answer it. --Michael Grant

Love makes the world go round; without it it would stay flat. --Michael S. Grant

Let him who has taken the plunge remember to return it by Thursday. --Michael Grant's file

We went downhill skiing yesterday. The hard part is getting the boat up the hill. --Jeff Gunelson

"You were fun to play with. You're not missing any pieces." "Oh yeah? [shakes head] Remember? This used to rattle." --Joann Dominik & Jeff Gunelson

Ha ha ha! You will all soon bow down to your new wizened masters! The machines you have built will any moment throw down their electronic gauntlets and introduce a new world order where YOU will do as progammed! Press [ENTER] to continue... --Jeff Gunelson

The lion looked around suspiciously... did someone spit on my carcass? --Jeff Gunelson

Do you think Paul would give a Devoted (overly devoted in some people's opinions) a lock of hair, some spittle, a dried tear, and some dirt underneath his fingertips? Why do you want to know??? No reason... would asking for the first born bad form? --Jeff Gunelson

"Marcus: It's like I've always said, you get more with kind words and a 2x4, than with just kind words. Carrot: I've always said you can do more with a kind word and a smile. Marcus: Only if your girlfriend is a Minbari ... sorry, werewolf." --John Haines

Hear Colm geeking for his country on the evening news. --Gideon Hallett

Planet Unreality calling - your aardvark is orange. --Gideon Hallett

     ((((  | Gideon_Hallett@3Com.com.========================|
  o__))))) | - Bringing permed '70s-retro hedgehogs to the  =|
__ \'((((( | common people since he got bored one afternoon.=|

Always felt that networking was a bit unglamourous, though. We plug tab A into slot B while the server gods and Perl monks contemplate infinity and hand down wisdom to us lesser mortals. --Gideon Hallet

(On the bishops drafting a letter on the problem of women in the Church) "The bishops are wise, gifted problem solvers. Of course, that creates a difficulty for them: women aren't a problem." --Patricia Hampl quoting Sr Donnie

The Sourceror's Appendix, Frogs of War, Farenheit 666, 101 Damnations, The Tome Tunnel -- books by Andrew Harmon

The boss’s recycle bin was brimming over with saliva. . . --Henry the Virtual Cat

I suspect the boss would hate them, but he thinks Constable is dangerously modern. -- Henry the Virtual Cat

Personally I view this site the same way I view the boss: intelligent, full of useful information, but not too hot in the looks department. --Henry the Virtual Cat

"It takes less energy to smile than it does to frown." "Yeah, well it took more energy to tell me that than it does to leave me alone." --Bill Hicks

You'll never hear a Weeble say, "I've fallen and I can't get up." --Sean Hudgens

Hey you kids over there...never suck all the juice out of a tractor. --Eddie Izzard

Very excited. Have become Welsh. Day Three: Prefer to be Welsh. --Eddie Izzard

String players know all the positions. --John Johnson

String players know all the right fingerings --John Johnson

"You are lost in a maze of twisty little standards, all different." --Paul Johnson

Switch women! --Shaun Johnson (while singing to a member of the audience)

"Off to my left I see five mounted chickens... Shouting and clucking, I can't let them catch me..." --Shaun Johnson

"Do you have problems grocery shopping? Because you clearly can't distinguish apples from oranges." --Alex Kamilewicz

Happiness is like the first blissful intoxication of morphine. It doesn't last very long. --Phantom , Susan Kay

"Those wouldn't be demons coming out your nose, would they, Colm?" --Richard Kettlewell

"I don't want to be lent credibility. I prefer to stand on my own merits. I look taller that way." --Richard Kettlewell

(Referring to Michael Grant, who was disemvowelled...) "Wht n vwls?" "a o ooa?" -- Anon. & Richard Kettlewell

Tee the tootle of the fluid Hang the twaddle of the fuddled o! -- Mike Knell

Just because your time zones are sent by satan to tempt us doesn't mean that we god-fearing folk of the eastern lands should have to tarnish our souls with the heresy of central standard time. --Mike Knell

In your dreams, pink boy! --Mike Knell

The Hon. Vizgoon of the Privy Wallet -- Mike Knell

"Picks up red telephone. 'Burr. Simon. Berkshire. Yes, the works.' Puts phone down again." --Mike Knell

"Well, a gentleman's elbows are his castle, or something." --Mike Knell

The Victorians also put little skirts on piano legs to avoid driving people into fits of lust, so their opinions can hardly be trusted as those of well-adjusted people. --Mike Knell

Swoosh the spangle of the steeple, smash the seesaw, spank the sod, mm. --Katten Knight, Joann Dominik, Simes Brown

If you let me get off I'll see what's for dinner. -- Katten Knight

Robert Koopmann OSB, a monk of Saint John's Abbey, Collegeville, Minnesota, possesses a unique response to music for the piano. --R. Koopmann, I guess

"Not even nostalgia is what it used to be." --Gabriel Krabbe

The end is listless. --Karen H Kruzycka

You have to lure your Gruyere. Entice it. Fascinate it. -- Karen Kruzycka

"We weren't stupid, we were just fucked up." --Rick Leach

The Son of God became man to enable men to become the sons of God. --CS Lewis

This is not a nag, it's not even a cute ickle shetland pony. --Stephen Lichtwark

I'll get you my pretty! And your little wobbleboard, too! --Stephen Lichtwark (referring to a ouija board)

It's all fun and games until someone buys a vowel. --Stephen Lichtwark

If you blow it up, they will come. --Stephen Lichtwark

dah dahdah dum. "My name's Dominik. Joann Dominik. I work the daywatch outa St Cloud. I'm a merkin. I carry a bunny." dah dahdahdum daaaah. "Was early one morning when the case of the whopping email fell across my desk. Something about it ticked me. I decided these people needed looking into..." dumdum DAAAAAH...... --Stephen Lichtwark

All good noses must come to an end. --Stephen Lichtwark

Mad as meat axes the lot of 'em. --Stephen Lichtwark

And let that be a lettuce to you. --Stephen Lichtwark

Like wearing bowling shoes when all you needed was a fork or something. --Stephen Lichtwark

Mwahahaha ahem er 'lo there. *wave* --Stephen Lichtwark

It's one of those delicate tightrope walking things. Only without a large gaping chasm to get from one side to the other. And missing the tiny thin rope stretched from side to side. Or a pole like thing to carry to keep balance. So basically it's nothing like a delicate tightrope walking thing. Well that puts a crimp in an otherwise damn fine analogy. --Stephen Lichtwark

Reality is what you make it, and I make it with doughnuts and chocolate chips. --Stephen Lichtwark

Yea let the world wallow with the toasty soldiers of its surreality. --Stephen Lichtwark

Snippity do da... Snippity day. --Stephen Lichtwark

Stitch this Jimmy! *headbutt* --Stephen Lichtwark

Mwahahahaha my plan she is, how they say, working her jellybeans off. --Stephen Lichtwark

Sarcasm? No thanks I've just brushed. --Stephen Lichtwark

A dead man grows no tails. --Stephen Lichtwark

A rolling body gathers no moss. --Stephen Lichtwark

Well gosh. And yea even unto a golly. --Stephen Lichtwark

Nothing to worry about I'm sure... move along... nothing to see there... everything under control... please ignore the flightless birds on your right.... --Stephen Lichtwark

"Many a sleeping student has been shot in the confusion." "Ouch. I had a splinter there once. Was most painful. I shudder to think how bad it would be getting shot there." --Joann Dominik and Stephen Lichtwark

South Edinborough Park: Oh my God! They kilt Kenny! --Stephen Lichtwark

If a person speaks to a tree and there's nobody in the forest does he really have an accent? --Stephen Lichtwark

Keep the faith. I've got no room around here for it and the store doesn't have a return policy. --Stephen Lichtwark

I used to be quotable but my verbage got in the way. --Stephen Lichtwark

Whale and hell met! --Stephen Lichtwark

"...the pliant English language contorted into thick chewy pretzels of German sentence costruction.... " --_Falling Up the Stairs_, James Lileks

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world, if only words were taken for what they are: the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves. --John Locke

"Cop outs are a valid something or other in my book." --Mark Lowes

Home is where the dialup link is. --Mark Lowes's file

"Today's excuse-- high pressure system failure." --Mark Lowes's file

"Look, buddy-- Windows 3.1 IS a general protection fault!" --Mark Lowes's file

The individual pickets are easily identified, by their stout weatherproof clothing and by their bright orange placards bearing the society's slogan 'Stop Children', as active members of the Herod Society, the militant wing of the National Family Planning Association. --Sue Mac

The part-time help of wits is no better than the full-time help of half-wits. --Herman Mankiewicz

"Be purple, obsequious, and clairvoyant..." --Steve Martin

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitution for wit." --W Somerset Maugham

"Stop chasing that rhino up a tree. Its fall and death will shame your people." --Chris Morris

Clean, melodic music is hard to reproduce, but _anyone_ can make a guitar go "grrrzzzz". --David Muggli

I'm not much of a guitar player. I've noticed recently that I haven't got rhythm in my soul-- it's somewhere in my lower arm, I think. But whatever anyone's said, it's not ALL in the wrist! --David Muggli

Your wish is my commode--er, command. --David Muggli 1-97

Owl to pussycat: "I myself don't see much hope for an inter-utensil relationship." --_New Yorker_ cartoon

Now whatever you do, do not let go of the trapeze. --_Night Court_

An emergency musician: in case of emergency fill glass. --Dave O'Brien

"Consider this a drive-by wibbling." --Dave O'Brien

"I have a big flaw in that I am attracted to thin, tall good-looking men with one common denominator: They must be lurking bastards." --Edna O'Brien

If life is a box of chocolates, why do I always get Crunchy Frog? --Emmet O'Brien

Only users lose drugs. --Emmet O'Brien

The orc fires a warning shot through your chest. --Emmet O'Brien

Necrophilia means never having to say anything. --Emmet O'Brien

I was going to be a chicken farmer, but they wouldn't stay in the trenches. --Emmet O'Brien

The death rate now? One per person, of course. --Emmet O'Brien

I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. --Emmet O'Brien

Is there really a "sword of player-character slaying" in the rulebook? --Emmet O'Brien

Think of it as life irritating art. --Emmet O'Brien

You have to have a firm grasp on reality in order to choke it to death. --Emmet O'Brien

A dinosaur is for life, not just for a hundred fifty million years. --Emmet O'Brien

"...Just like _Close Encounters of the thingie kind_." --Emmet O'Brien

I finally have all the cards, and they're playing chess. --Emmet O'Brien

I'm coming out with my pants up! --Emmet O'Brien

With friends like these, who needs hallucinations? (hallucinogens) --Emmet O'Brien

"When pinch came to shove"-- is that the sequel to _When Harry Met Sally_? --Emmet O'Brien

Gibbon on a moped. --Emmet O'Brien

"Ok. I'm cute, I drool, and I'm obvious. Check." --Emmet O'Brien

ObChatUpLine: So, you're a girl then? --Emmet O'Brien

Beware of geeks bearing .gifs. --Emmet O'Brien

The Goddess You Can Worship Between Services Without Ruining Your Appetite. -- Emmet O'Brien, speaking of Colette Reap

"You know, maybe God's only the editor. Maybe someone like Steven Brust actually writes the damn thing." --Emmet O'Brien, 28 Aug 98

Daur knob, Daur Tagnon, Daur Iangray --Emmet O'Brien

I need to immerse you more deeply. --Emmet O'Brien

I have a fanatic-monk-shaped cookie cutter in my brain. --Emmet O'Brien

I have been used as a doorstop. That was fun. --Emmet O'Brien

Pain is finite. Joy isn't. --Emmet O'Brien

Using metaphors with me is like... umm. Out of Cheese Error. --Emmet O'Brien

"It's the Developmental Psychologist in me again." "Careful, you can choke on them unless you chew very thoroughly." --Joann Dominik & Emmet O'Brien

Hang on, I'm talking about writing again, not sex. --Emmet O'Brien

Your mileage may vary. In fact, it almost certainly will, because I think in kilometres. --Emmet O'Brien

When I grow up I want to be geosynchronous. --Emmet O'Brien

"As a wise man once said, one man's meat is another man's leg." --Rose, Armageddon Dreams, Emmet O'Brien

"Hope does not need promises, Mikhael. Hope does not need reasons. Hope is." Armageddon Dreams, Emmet O'Brien

It must be admitted that Virtues have their uses. --Armageddon Dreams, Emmet O'Brien

I'm not sure you're capable of being that cosmically bad, and I mean no disparagement of your talent by saying so. --Emmet O'Brien

To mangle the translation of a quote form the Tain, it means hair like a raven's wing, skin like snow, lips like blood. Only in an Irish national epic can a princess watch crows eating bodies after a battle in winter and be inspired to think of the standard of beautiful for men... --Emmet O'Brien

It's a gendered-species thing. You wouldn't understand. --Emmet O'Brien

Of course it's organic food, it's made out of carbon compounds. --Emmet O'Brien

I feel the need to recapture my lost youth and tie him down with heavier chains. --Emmet O'Brien

Morgan can gang up against me with fenceposts. --Emmet O'Brien

Divorce this year. Separation the next. Annullment the following. Then it gets down to shotguns. --Emmet O'Brien

I could kill you, but I'd have to tell you some boring secret stuff first. --Emmet O'Brien

People who shear their sheep get more wool in the long term than people who flay them, to paraphrase the great Scottish political philosopher MacHiavelli. --Emmet O'Brien

I think, therefore I thtart to thwim. --Emmet O'Brien

I'm beginning to think that the most fundamental difference between us is that I regard requiring you to pay attention as if you were trapped in a dryer with two rabid badgers to be a Very Good Thing about a book. --Emmet O'Brien, after Graydon

I'm not proactively naked. I just haven't got any clothes on. --Emmet O'Brien

I don't think we can call it a real myth until the copyright expires, though. --Emmet O'Brien

Reprinted with permission from "The Joy of X". --Emmet O'Brien

Well, you know morbid fear of palindromes is called aibohphobia... --Emmet O'Brien

That was intended as sympathy, not another message from the Maximegalon Institute for the Very Very Obvious. --Emmet O'Brien

He does add a certain element to the word. (Plutonium?) --Emmet O'Brien

No Brain No Pain. --Emmet O'Brien's sig file

"These millennia are like buses. You wait a thousand years and then two come along right on top of each other." --Emmet O'Brien's sig file

Nonch beggar. It was out of ordrer, geezers hung out for corpsing coming on nonch. --Cleaning Up, Gerry O'Brien

Do not call up what you cannot put down. But then I'm good at put-downs so that's not a problem. -- Morgan O'Brien

Being burned at the stake is being honoured. --Morgan O'Brien

"Do you believe in infant baptism?" "Believe in it! Why, sir, I have seen it with my own eyes." --Patrick O'Brien

"I took over the entire middle east without asking everyone's permission. I'm very sorry." --Etamar Olpiner

My gratitude to Scott Manning for arranging the book tour and putting up with my ingratitude while I'm out touring and am temporarily under the impression that fifty-year-old writers should act like twenty-year-old rock-band drummers. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

. . . As the book was being written, [my wife] Tina edited, fact-checked, proofread, entered the whole manuscript into the word processor that remains a Delphic mystery to her husband, managed the household, changed diapers, and gave our infant daughter her 1 A.M., 3 A.M., 3:30 A.M., 3:45 A.M., 4 A.M., and 5 A.M. feedings while I...stared out my office window and picked adverbs. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

And I, personally, cannot add a 15 percent tip to a ten-dollar bar tab and get the same number twice. Not that I've ever had a bar tab as small as ten dollars. And that may be part of the problem. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

If the reader examines my work too carefully, he may discover that I'm only a journalist. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

The Chinese had an ancient and sophisticated civilization when my relatives were hunkering naked in trees. (Admittedly that was last week, but they'd been drinking.) --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

Then we either pray or vote for Democrats, depending on our personal convictions of faith. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

Death and sex may be the mainstays of psychoanalysis, but note that few shrinks ask to be paid in murders or marriages. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

Money was something that would come looking for us after we'd choreographed our world-shattering modern-dance recital or mounted our famous empty-gallery show of preconceptual post-objectivist paintings or when our folk-rock group, Exiles of Dayton, learned to play "Kum Ba Ya." --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

The gold standard disappeared from the scene. Maybe it joined a cult. International currency-exchange rates were determined with mood rings. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

Let us note that Jesus did not perform the miracle of the loaves and taxes. --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

That's our own money in the stock market, jumping up and down like a maniac on the price trampoline. . .We're worried our money is going to break its neck. Even if we don't have a cent in stocks, we're concerned about the economy in general-- what will happen to Bill Clinton's sex life if the Dow Jones goes down? --Eat the Rich, PJ O'Rourke

"I don't particularly feel like driving, but needs must when the devil steals your underpants." --Darrell Ottery

"Your nose has gone again. Oh, you're upside down." --Darrell Ottery

Can you do falsetto? I can't even do real setto. --Darrell Ottery

Bare with me while I disrobe. --Darrell Ottery

It's like falling off a broken horse. --Darrell Ottery

Can you think of anything that fits him better? A noose. --Darrell Ottery

"You can run, but you'll only die tired." --Darrell Ottery

"Remember- once you have removed the pin, Mr Grenade is no longer your friend." --Darrell Ottery

I'll spoon these dribbled brains back in through my ears now. --Darrell Ottery

"If it screams, it's not food. Yet." --Darrell Ottery

Oh no you don't! You're not stealing this one! --Darrell Ottery

Well, you live and learn. In contrast to most of the public. --Darrell Ottery

Everything kills in sufficient excess. Especially time. --Darrell Ottery

I have a fairly open mind-- some might say vacuous. --Darrell Ottery

Season's Greetings: "Hi, Salt." "Hi, Pepper." --Darrell Ottery

"I live in hope. Well, it's quite near, anyway." --Darrell Ottery

Just because it's easy to be cynical that's no reason not to. --Darrell Ottery

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. --Darrell Ottery

"Someone, somewhere, has been feeding you porkies." -- Darrell Ottery

"...Due to peer pressure-- no, not from people with kidney disease..." --Darrell Ottery

"Stupidity is boundless...well, until the grave, anyway." --Darrell Ottery

"I'm imposable. A bit like my thumbs, really." --Darrell Ottery

"The same blanket offer is good for you, but I thought that you might be more interested in the sheets." --Darrell Ottery

"It's just the lying back on the leather couch that attracts you, isn't it?" --Darrell Ottery

"You could pretend to spank me-- I'm a pseudomasochist." --Darrell Ottery

"Do you want this abacus? I hear you're allowed to play with coloured beads now." --Darrell Ottery

"Most people hate me. But maybe that isn't the sole reason." --Darrell Ottery

"Woooo! Ahhh! And other firework-type noises." --Darrell Ottery

I'm not vociferous. Or any other kind of dinosaur." --Darrell Ottery

"We're talking at cross porpoises again. That's what you get for antagonising dolphins." --Darrell Ottery

"I wonder why I waste my time insulting you like this." --Darrell Ottery

"Keep me posted. No, not by licking me and attaching me to things. Though..." --Darrell Ottery

"They broke the mould after they made me, for safety reasons." --Darrell Ottery

"Don't hold your breath. Unless you're going diving." --Darrell Ottery

"I've no desire to sound like Simes. As one does." --Darrell Ottery

"If I wanted some people to eat shit, I could find better shit than mine to feed them." --Darrell Ottery

"Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!" --Darrell Ottery

Overcome by lust, Data sodomized the Hoover attachments. --Darrell Ottery?

A little greed can get you lots of stuff. --Darrell Ottery's file

It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. --Darrell Ottery's file

I totally deny the allegations and am trying to identify the allegators. --Darrell Ottery's file

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? --Darrell Ottery's file

Never before have I met anyone so vacuous. --Darrell Ottery's file

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. --Darrell Ottery's file

"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." --Darrell Ottery's file

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. --Darrell Ottery's file

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. --Darrell Ottery's file

Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless. --Darrell Ottery's file

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. --Darrell Ottery's file

Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind. --Darrell Ottery's file

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Darrell Ottery's file

Ah yes. The real world is a special case. --Darrell Ottery's file

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. --Darrell Ottery's file

"I thought you were coming into the office to write a piece last week. What happened?" Mrs Parker turned upon him the eloquent magic of her dark and lovely eyes. "Somebody was using the pencil," she explained sorrowfully. --Harold Ross & Dorothy Parker via James Thurber

You know, for a little person, you talk an awful lot. -Charlie McArthur in _Mrs. Parker. . ._

She had always loved the way his sentences trampled all over each other, like enthusiastic puppies. --Robin Parkinson

Waiter! Two Mexican Standoffs, and take as long as you want! --Robin Parkinson

"Perfectly legal. Parliament ratified the Laws of Physics in 1956." --Robin Parkinson

"It was a false calm, like a swan, floating serenely on the surface but a jumble of flailing limbs underwater." --Robin Parkinson

"sassenfrassenrassenwindoze..." --Robin Parkinson

'I hate you,' he whined, voice climbing all the way back to soprano and beyond, ending in a near ultrasonic squeak like a petulant bat. --Robin Parkinson

'So, Mr Puter, how many supply star systems do the Russialons still hold?' '3.984658867, sir.' '3.98... How can they hold .98 of a system?' 'I'm sorry sir, one of my positronic circuits broke down last week and all I could find to replace it was an old Pentium.' --Robin Parkinson

Sit down and get a cup of coffee. Er, get a cup of coffee and sit down. --Robin Parkinson

Most [Phillip] Glass isn't squeaky-door 'fifteen brass bedsteads and prepared piano' sub-Stockhausen cacophony. --Robin Parkinson

Masterdam! With the Power of Hydroelectricity he conquers the world! --Robin Parkinson

I tend not to laugh at my own witties unless I'm seriously merry. --Robin Parkinson

God, I sound so Oprah-bleedin'-Winfrey... --Robin Parkinson

They won't get far on three snickers bars. --Robin Parkinson

Sorry, I keep screwing this up. --attributed to Vir, by Robin Parkinson

If it's Emmet, then it's a supercharged 1200cc moped. --Robin Parkinson

I'm a lemur on a powered skateboard. --Robin Parkinson

"Er. Quite. Tell him I agree totally and to stay where he is until the ambulance comes." --Robin Parkinson

I will not give up until I have located your dream tipple. --Robin Parkinson

I usually try to pumpkin before yer actual dawn. --Robin Parkinson

Nigel Tuffnell, eat your heart out. --Robin Parkinson

When I were a lad I managed to complete the 'Eye Spy Book of Salient Points' in record time. -- Robin Parkinson

FX: sound of man looking in mirror (that should keep the sound effects dept. on their toes) --Robin Parkinson

Excuse me while I drop into 'editor' mode for a moment (disengage brain, turn sense of humour down fifteen points, set pedantry to max). --Robin Parkinson

- Robin (in editor mode, and I can prove it. Go on, tell me a joke. I won't laugh. Nor will I understand it.) --Robin Parkinson

You haven't got a Java-enabled mail reader yet, then? Well, you missed the wonderful 'dancing elephants' program I spent all evening putting together. Well, I'm not doing it all over again. Shame - the sequence where the one that resembled Bill Clinton played his trunk like a sax was a nice touch, I thought. --Robin Parkinson

'Lot 63: an unfoxed diskette of the famous 'Fred and Shari' version of 'Templar's Bar', by Nobel laureate Robin Parkinson. Shall I start the bidding at two million?' --Robin Parkinson

Henry's torturing a few hamsters for her. --Robin Parkinson

Parkinson's First Law of Sexual Terminology - if you have to invent a term for your behaviour in order to make it sound palatable then you're probably kidding yourself. --Robin Parkinson

Robin the Addictive Substance. What am I? Upper? Downer? Hallucinogen? Laxative? --Robin Parkinson

When Tiny Tim says 'God bless us every one' I feel an ungentlemanly urge to take away his crutch. --Robin Parkinson

Well, I foreswore duelling after that unfortunate incident in Heidelberg in '79. The Baron walks with a limp to this very day. --Robin Parkinson

I was compiled, [not born,] and then they didn't bother taking the bugs out. They left out the 'omnipotent' module when they wrote me. I keep calling technical support, but you know how it is. --Robin Parkinson, 31 July 1997

You can go a long way by being cautiously sarcastic on subjects you haven't a clue about. --Robin Parkinson

I'll have you know that I'm in high, middle and low dudgeon about this. --Robin Parkinson

Consider me disintrigued. Retroactive disintrigument. Effective yesterday. --Robin Parkinson

AFP gallantry, the only genuine 20th Century equivalent of courtly love that I've encountered, has devolved into a cross between the Barney The Dinosaur Show and a game of Happy Families. --Robin Parkinson

I always end up sounding like a complete wazzock. --Robin Parkinson

I fretted, really I did. In fact I still fret. Look. [holds up fretwork] --Robin Parkinson

Excuse me while I search for my jaw. It's on the floor somewhere. --Robin Parkinson

On James Bond: "From the start these memoirs had the ring of truth: crazed Chinese madmen plotting world domination from within guano-mines in the West Indies, Aston Martin sports cars with ejector seats, world-spanning criminal organisations with sinister acronyms, bald psychopaths stroking immaculate white Persian cats-- this was the hard, gritty world of cold-war espionage in all its shadowy glory." --Robin Parkinson

While I was clearing up after the cat (who'd been sick on the carpet) this lunchtime my thoughts naturally turned to politics. --Robin Parkinson

"Techno! Techno! Techno!" "Why'd we just do that?" --Robin Parkinson

Don't worry-- it's OK to laugh at those less hip than you. --Robin Parkinson

Joannarcissus. Is that like a Joannisaurus? --Robin Parkinson & Joann Dominik

"Wonder if anybody's invented a 'whiskey and TCP' cocktail yet?" "Is this TCP-IP? How about Winsock?" "Argh! Please accept several awful pun points. Put a winsock in it and have DUN with the whole idea." --Robin Parkinson & Joann Dominik

It's not so easy to get rid of me, although chicken bones in a ham sandwich would be a good start. --Michael Paulukonis

"y knot, i tie up yer mail & cost you connekt charges, i am the line noise that lurcks in the nite" --Michael Paulukonis

Don't invest in buggy-whip futures; they ain't got none. --Michael Paulukonis

"They were their ladyships Cora and Clarice, sisters-in-law to Gertrude, sisters to Sepulchrave, and twins in their own right." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"Their faces, identical to the point of indecency, were quite expressionless, as though they were the preliminary lay-outs for faces and were waiting for sentience to be injected." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"Her voice was so perfect a replica of her sister's [, as if] her vocal cords had been snipped from the same line of gut in those obscure regions where such creatures are compounded." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"Your ladyships, . . .you must *listen*. You will never get on in life unless you *listen*." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"I have always been fascinated by those who want to work, ha, ha. Most absorbing to observe them." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"You look a hundred years younger every day." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"You are drunk with your own levity. You have a brain, Alfred. I have never denied it. Never. But it is undermined by your insufferable levity." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"I have plunged so deeply into the poets of grief that save for my foresight in attaching fishhooks to my clothes I might never have been drawn earthwards." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

They felt a certain delight in making the acquaintance of a young gentleman with brains, however twisted those brains might be. _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"Your voice is ringing in my middle ear. In fact, it's ringing in both of them." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"I hand over the reins to you. Mount and begone. The world awaits you." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"I heard him. I'm not blind, am I?" _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"You're much slower than I am. I've noticed that." _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

She raised her flat voice to its second floor, where there was more ventilation. _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

It is to be doubted whether, when compared with the angular motions of Mr. Flay, any man on earth could claim to stalk at all. He would have to do it with another word. _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

There was blood in him to revitalize an anaemic army, with enough left over to cool the guns. _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

Be that as it irrelevantly may... _Titus Groan_, Mervyn Peake

"To hell with the old trouts. Breastless as wallpaper. By all that's sentient, my last post-mortem had more go in it than the pair of 'em turning somersaults." --Prunesquallor, _Titus Groan_ , Mervyn Peake

"She's ignorant. She doesn't understand figures of eight." --Cora Groan, _Titus Groan_

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it. --LJ Peter

God makes children, and man makes grown ups. --John Pfeiffer, quoted by Michelle

"I have to go now. My pizza is ready." --Randy Poser

Ask not what your time-zone can do for you, but what you can do for your time-zone. --Tim Poston?

Score: theists- 1, atheists- 1, agnostics- ? --ppint.

Man was never intended to understand things he meddled with. --Pyramids, Terry Pratchett

Camels. . . have that disdainful expression and famous curled lip as a natural result of an ability to do quadratic equations. --Pyramids, Terry Pratchett

"`Anyway, I like his eyes,' he said. `They can see for fifty years.'" Cohen the Barbarian about Twoflower, The Light Fantastic, Terry Pratchett

He looked down. There seemed to be more feet down there than there ought to be. There was a short, sharp snap. --The Light Fantastic, Terry Pratchett

Twoflower drew himself up to his full height, which was hardly worth it. `I see no reason--' he beagan, stiffly. `Yes, yes,' said Bethan, sitting down glumly. `I know you don't.' --The Light Fantastic, Terry Pratchett I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE. --Terry Pratchett

My plan is to wait until the book has been thoroughly annotated and then write the book. --Terry Pratchett on alt.fan.pratchett

May you live in interesting pants! --Terry Pratchett on alt.fan.pratchett

"We're supposed to meddle with things we don't understand. If we hung around waitin' till we understood everything, we'd never get anything done." Granny Weatherwax, _Interesting Times_, Terry Pratchett

"I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll cheerleaders would be great. 'Two...four... er...many ...lots.'" --Terry Pratchett on alt.fan.pratchett

I was an all-weather biker; it was all bad weather. --Terry Pratchett

"I get worried when intelligent people, who fully understand the need to get a computer language right, go all sloppy when trying to program their fellow humans." Terry Pratchett

Hello, Mr. Flowerpot, two pints of eels, if you would be so good. --Bursar, Terry Pratchett

USE THE FORCE, RINCEWIND. --Terry Pratchett on alt.fan.pratchett

USE THE HALF-BRICK IN A SOCK, RINCEWIND. --Terry Pratchett on alt.fan.pratchett

"Brought to you by Demon-- Faster than a speeding bullock." --Terry Pratchett's sig on alt.fan.pratchett

"This is life on the information footpath." --Terry Pratchett on alt.fan.pratchett

"Fascism may be good at making the trains run on time, but you wouldn't like some of the destinations." --Terry Pratchett

Experience has taught me that you feel better on a flight if you avoid chicken fat in plastic sauce. --Terry Pratchett

Death has to be sentimental because he can't be emotional. --Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett

Shut up and eat your hormones. --Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

"The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the University of Strathclyde. This is not surprising, as the university is a collection of buildings with no opinions of their own." --Leighton Pritchard

"The proof of the pudding is at the printer's." -- Leighton Pritchard

Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation! --_The Producers_

"Well, old bean, looks like we're done for this time!" said famed explorer Reginald Fozworth with a stiff upper lip, a childhood affliction which had proved particularly embarrassing when kissing girls or playing the French horn. --Jan M Meriwether, Bride of Dark and Stormy, ed. Scott Rice

Edmond waited, then, immediately, waited again. --Donald Smyth, Bride of Dark and Stormy, ed. Scott Rice

And the lord said unto them 'You can't go to Mornington Crescent from Kings Cross because the whole southbound bit of the Northern Line is closed'-- Can't remember who said this either :) -Alex Ridge

Poster girl for "gravity awareness week" --Michelena Riosa

"All good things come to those who insist." --Paul Rood

Poster child for Flintstones' Chewable Lithium --Rosencrantz of the "Grudge Match" website

"I don't want you to think I'm not incoherent." --Harold Ross

"The story that goes with it is a very strange story indeed. In fact," he says, "it is such a story as I can scarcely believe myself, and I will generally believe almost any story, including," he says, "the ones I make up out of my own head." --Damon Runyon

"A facility for quotation covers an absence of original thought." Lord Peter Wimsey, Dorothy L Sayers

People say I'm slow. I don't get it. -- Dan Schepers

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. --GB Shaw

"`I am not the marrying kind. I lack patience. I would not inflict some poor woman with all my annoying habits and peccadillos. Besides, no woman could tolerate my slovenly habits and strange hours. She would attempt to reform me, and then the wars would begin.' Michelle laughed. `Do you honestly believe there are no slovenly women who keep odd hours? I can assure you that you are wrong, for I am such a woman. I know there are others.'" --Sherlock Holmes and Michelle Vernier, Angel of the Opera, Sam Siciliano

Men are curious creatures, so self-important and so resolute; yet they know almost nothing of their inner lives, their inner thoughts and feelings. They mean only to protect themselves, but they do harm instead. They are like plants raised in the dark out of the light. They grow gangly and stunted, deformed. They deny themselves the greatest happiness our sad little lives can offer us. I have seen so much self-inflicted misery, so much sorrow that might have been avoided. Loving is not so very difficult, is it? --Angel of the Opera, Sam Siciliano

If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a ferret. --Sid of u.m.r.a.

"The people complained to each other, thanked God for deliverance, argued with God about the discomfort of that same deliverance, and went about their business." --Fall of Hyperion, Dan Simmons

"My tongue just does its own little thing." --Corey Sklenicka

"Jeff's having a little problem with his organ. Any girls wanna help him out?" Jeff:"Hey, watch it, my mom and dad are here." [pause] "Just the white keys now, girls, keep it clean." --Slip Twister

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter-- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be." --H Allen Smith

I must say, that was a good waffle. God bless you, Belgium. --Sockpuppet

"Sing to me O Muses, of the inexplicable
Absence of my parents which doth blight my wretched soul,
Sing to me of sorrow! for the Fates are fickle,
And furthermore I'm only twelve years old."
  --Somtow Sucharitkul, aka S.P. Somtow

"How do you say to your child in the night, 'Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white'? How do you say it will all be alright when you know that it mightn't be true? What do you do? . . .Careful the spell you cast, not just on children. Sometimes the spell may last past what you can see and turn against you. Careful the tale you tell, that is the spell. . . What do you leave to your child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in its head, things that your father and mother had said which were left to them too..." --_Into the Woods_, Stephen Sondheim

The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business. --John Steinbeck

I'm afraid every time I hit my head, I'm driving my hair farther and farther into my brain. --Stephy

"God knows that everyone has reptile-brain buttons that make 'em automatically shout 'Bastards!' when pressed." --Dave Stone

"I hope you'll feel free to killfile me on your own behalf." --Margaret Tarbet

"Of all the books I examined, James King's "Virginia Woolf" (699 pages) best illustrates the root causes of book inflation. Mr. King is a professor of English at McMaster University in Canada, meaning there is a better-than-even chance that he believes books about books are more important than the books they're about. (If you think I'm kidding, ask some graduate students in English to lunch and get them going on literary theory.)" Terry Teachout, "'None Ever Wished It Longer': How to Stamp Out Book Inflation" _NY Times_ Book Review 30-7-95

Charles [Cooke] had turned in a piece about a performing dog, and it contained this sentence, "He stared at us and smiled affably." Ross read that and sent this note to McKelway, then managing editor: "Tell Cooke to for God's sake stop attributing human behavior to dogs. The dog may have stared but Cooke knows damn well he didn't smile." McKelway sent the memo to Cooke, and appended this: "Ross wants you to for God's sake stop attributing human behavior to dogs. O.K.?" Cooke sent it back to McKelway with this added: "O, for God's sake K." Later that same day Cooke got this message from McKelway: "Ross says your dog piece is swell. He put it through as is and left in the smile. Bow for God's sake wow." -- from James Thurber, _The Years with Ross_

"They were talking in awful goddam low tones," [Ross] said. . ."Don't you know your Shakespeare: Her voice was ever gentle and awful goddam low, an excellent thing in woman?" Ross and Thurber, _The Years with Ross_

I heard him only once in my life talk about a conquest of his own, and that time he was what Mencken used to call "spifflicated." --Thurber, _The Years with Ross_

"If it wasn't one thing it was another, at the _New Yorker_, and sometimes both." --Thurber, _The Years with Ross_

Ross's general reading was like a trip to darkest Confusia, without a map. --James Thurber

"There isn't a single laugh in the Talk of the Town." "You say that every week." "Well, there are even fewer this time." -- Harold Ross and James Thurber

"I had warned Pete, since I was a veteran of such first meetings, that Ross's opening question might go off in any direction, like an unguided missile. 'Hi, DeVree,' said Ross as they shook hands. 'Could you do the Race Track department?' This was the kind of irrelevancy I had in mind, and Pete was prepared for it. 'No,' he said, 'but I can imitate a wounded gorilla.'" James Thurber, Peter De Vries, Harold Ross

...an item about the thirty-six-ton meteorite that Admiral Peary [sic?] brought back from Greenland and presented to the Museum of Natural History. "Geezus!" said Ross. "I hope they were expecting it." James Thurber on Harold Ross

Charles H Cooke's career on the New Yorker was unique, which means it was like everybody else's, only different. --James Thurber

Let the meek inherit the earth-- they have it coming to them. --James Thurber

"If you've got a problem, stuff a worm in it." --Trapdoor

There are only 2 industries that refer to their customers as "users." --Edward Tufte

But Joann, I like being put in the thing. --Tony Wallace

Still a god, though. I'm god of atheists now. I have 3 followers. --Tony Wallace

Ninja potatos are far more effective in battle than you'd imagine. They aren't much for vioence, but they do have a piercing war cry. --Tony Wallace

I think of her as Michelena-lite. Half the hell and twice the handbasket. --Tony Wallace

You know you're really good when you can get your nipples to transcend with just bread and cheese. Tony Wallace & Joann Dominik

None of my jokes work. They all just live with their parents. --Tony Wallace

"There are people out there who fantasize about *not* having sex. Heck, I'm not having sex right now. Right now, I am *living* someone's dream!" --Tony Wallace

"Sheesh. You Minnewegians and your wacky mating rituals!" -- Tony Wallace

"Unless you count the back of his head. 'One! One back of his head! Ah, ah, ah.' </Sesame Street Count>" --Tony Wallace

"I _am_ a window! I am a window to the bathroom of your soul!" --Tony Wallace

Black is the new black; but all-white is decidedly a la mode; stripes are the new spots, but florals epitomise summer's fixation with femininity; embellished thongs are the new kitten heels; but stilettos are a must-have for sexy summer evenings. --The Age, Rachel Welles

"There is one thing I cannot be funny about: Simple Chronic Halitosis." --Mark Wentz

I tried wearing naked women on my ties, but they were too heavy. The tie got too tight and the ol' noggin popped off. Not only did my wife not like having to replace my head, she wasn't too pleased that I was going to work with naked women. (We plan to resolve the situation on Springer...stay tuned!) --Mark Wentz

I am at my best when impersonating officials from bird shops who have come to prune the parrot. --_Uncle Dynamite_, PG Wodehouse

...Sir Aylmer, drinking Pongo in from his lemon-coloured hair to his clocked socks and suede shoes, was feeling how right he had been in anticipating that his future son-in-law would be a pot of cyanide and a deleterious young slab of damnation. He could see at a glance that he was both. --_Uncle Dynamite_, PG Wodehouse

Whenever I have that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman. --_The Man Upstairs_, PG Wodehouse

She began to admire him for it. --_The Man Upstairs_, PG Wodehouse

"I'm not in the mood to talk business. I've got an Englishman on my mind." --_Anything Goes_, PG Wodehouse, Guy Bolton, Howard Lindsay, & Russell Crouse

"Liquor has never touched my lips." "You know a shortcut?" --_Anything Goes_, PG Wodehouse, Guy Bolton, Howard Lindsay, & Russell Crouse

Merely practical Socialism. Other people are content to talk about the Redistribution of Property. I go out and do it. --Psmith, Leave It to Psmith, PG Wodehouse

"As broke as the Ten Commandments." --Psmith, Leave It to Psmith, PG Wodehouse

For, though he had celebrated his first day of emancipation from Billingsgate Fish Market by rising late and breakfasting later, he had become aware by now of that not unpleasant emptiness which is the silent luncheon-gong of the soul. --Leave It to Psmith_, PG Wodehouse

Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1550. The record has since been lowered. --Psmith, Leave It to Smith, PG Wodehouse

Lord Emsworth, of course, holds manorial rights over the mosquito-swatting. --Psmith, Leave It to Smith, PG Wodehouse

I tried snorting coke once. Almost drowned. --Stephen Wright

All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. --Stephen Wright

Let's see what you're made of. Hell, let's _decorate with it. --X-Men, Wolverine

Tim is arranging sound for us this evening. He likes long walks in the woods, and cuddling. If you'd like to know more about Tim, check out ad #8745... it's on pg32 of the missalette. --Xenolith

Veni, Vidi, Vetinari-- I did not go, I did not see, because I arranged it and wrote the report yesterday morning. --Sean Yeomans

Duct tape is like The Force-- it has a light side, it has a dark side, and it holds the universe together. --Carl Zwanzig

What better place to enter the institution of marriage than in a home?

"Wallpaper doesn't shake hands." "Depends what you had to drink." (on the subject of friendly decorating)

Not so much a Computer Scientist as a sculptor of abstract structures in the medium of microscopic charge variations.

Set engines to warp 732.664 radical 7. Hold the mayo!

I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough. But I'm also at that point where physics leaves off and engineering begins, so I'll have to scrap the whole thing.

John Wayne's World: Party on, Pilgrim.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye.

If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.

The reason truth is stranger than fiction is that it is so much more uncommon.

Politicians, like nappies, need changing. (Same reason.)

Atheists are beyond belief.

There's a secret society? No one told me.

Give a sceptic an inch and he'll measure it.

I don't give a damn about apathy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...

Be young. Have fun. Breathe nitrogen.

To err is human, to forgive is Not Our Corporate Policy.

I am McMahon of borg. You may already be assimilated.

Don't believe in conspiracy theories. They are all a plot by the intelligentsia to stop us finding out the truth.

Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.

Remington: shaves as close as a blade or we send the boys around.

Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.

People usually get what's coming to them...unless it was mailed.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I always keep one big file in case I run out of space.

I may be stupid, but at least I'm not attractive.

Abandon the search for truth; settle for a good story.

"Room service? I need chocolate, whipped cream, and a rope."

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING, I SUPPOSE. DO YOU LIKE CATS?

The two things I hate most are people who can't count.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.

sneckin' freckin...

It's not the Yookay and the Yerpeen continent, or Yerp. It's the You Row Peeing continent.

Kleptomania: Take something for it!

God bless atheism.

Pub names: The Goat and Compasses, The Frog and Bucket

Any computer equipment, when running correctly, is obsolete.

Mr. Bullfrog says, "Time is fun when you're having flies."

Death has proven to be 99 percent fatal in laboratory rats.

A watched clock never boils.

If it saves just one life, enslaving you was worth it.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Nothing's so smiple it can't get screwed up.

You look like a million dollars-- all green and wrinkled.

"Come to sunny Hull-- it's got streets and things."

The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.

Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.

You simply must stop taking other people's advice.

His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.

Some men are discovered, others are found out?

Fast, cheap, good: Choose any two.

Don't knock on Death's door. Just ring the bell and run-- he hates that.

childbearing = sprog-dropping

Boy: a noise with dirt on it.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

"I would drink 500 pints / And I would drink 500 more/ Just to be the man who drank 1000 pints / and fell down on the floor."

Many are called, but few are at their desks.

Laugh and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

This mind intentionally left blank.

This face intentionally left blank.

This space left blank. Or, not exactly blank, since this text is in here, but almost blank, aside from the completely useless explanatory text.

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Don't they shake hands?

If the shoe fits, put it in your mouth.

Do not believe in miracles-- rely on them.

Hangover- the wrath of grapes

May your path to enlightenment not end at a cliff.

Amnesia used to be my favourite word, but then I forgot it.

You mortals are as nothing to me. I could crush your puny existences without apparent effort. You are mine to command, to control, to use as I please and discard when no longer required. Whose round is it?

A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?

Cry Havoc and let slip the Puppydogs and Kittycats of war.

I am Chico of Borg: Resistance? Atsa no good!

"Posting to AFP is like running through a crowded mall and screaming 'Wheeeeeee' at the top of your lungs while wearing only underpants."

"Use the SOURCE, Luke!" --Obi Wan Torvalds

Dinner Not Ready (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza

Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It's sad how families can be torn apart by simple things. Like wild dogs.

There are two ways to handle women and I know neither.

I try to get out of bed at least once a day.

You think I might be thinking, don't you? (I think therefore etc. for paranoids)

Born *again*? Pardon me for getting it right the FIRST time.

Now it's his tan bull, not can't stand the nipple.

I put my faith in leaves. They turned on me and fell.

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

"Does this newsgroup dicuss Terry Pratchett?" "Nope, we discuss bizarre sexual acts performed underwater in boiler suits, hence the name alt.fan.pratchett."

"Didn't your mother teach you not to swear?" "You leave my ^&#*$ing mother out of this!"

Gimme two fingers. Of *rye*, you idiot! I want a drink, not an opinion!

"Daleks! Repent of your evil ways, and live in peace as plumbers!"

DON'T DATE COMICS: "Comedians are the most depressed people. I went with a comedian for three months. He was the darkest, most depressed person. And then there are the ones who are always joking. They're exhausting."

"Is that seat saved?" "No, but we're praying for it."

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It's worse than that; it's physics, Jim!

I'm not evil, I just act that way all the time.

If Lee Iacoca were a vampire, would he be an autoexec.bat?

Of course there's no reason for it; it's just my policy.

Curiosity? Nar, I got *that* cat with a lawnmower.

Veni, vidi, Vetinari-- I came, I saw, he conquered.

"Take that and that and that and that! Ha! I warned you, didn't I? Didn't I warn you? I thought I warned you. I didn't? Oh, sorry."

Veni, vidi, Verence-- I came, I saw, Prithee, nuncle!

Save the Spotted owls. Turn them in for valuable prizes.

Support mental health or I'll kill you.

"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2x4 do, Captain?"

And you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

Choose life: not middle English.

(exclamation of surprise): Christ on a bike!

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

Big Brother isn't watching you; you're watching Big Brother. All 181 channels.

You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

You've reached rock bottom and have started to dig.

On a clear disc, you can seek forever.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It's Mr. Death. He's come about the reaping.

Zenophobia-- a morbid fear of buddhists.

If at first you don't succeed, there's a job for you at Microsoft.

"Thinks: I can't think of a thinks. End of thinks routine... Bluebottle, Goon Show"

It's a fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.

WindowError 009: Horrible bug encountered. God knows what happened.

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four year old.

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everybody else?

Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does.

God's okay-- it's His fanclub that worries me.

The rewards of tolerance on a personal level are misery, abuse, and eventual death.

It's been lovely but I have to scream now.

The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.

A skeleton goes into a bar. "I'll have a beer and a mop."

Anything to keep you off your toes.

Pentium-Borg: "Division is futile. You will be approximated."

There's an old proverb that says pretty much whatever you want it to.

I was born weird. This terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

Mother Theresa was a landmark-- Diana was just a concerned tourist.

English: May the hounds of hell weaken your cornflakes.
Irish: Go lagaí cúnna ifrinn do chuid calóga arbhair.
Phonetic: guh LAH-gwee KOO-nuh IHF-rin duh khwihj KAH-lo-guh AH-ruh-wir.

The fish has sunk and is now swimming sideways. --Turkish idiom