This first bunch of horoscopes is from a piece of paper that hung on my dad's home office wall for years. It's been there since 1985 at the latest. I always thought it was funny, in spite of the fact that it gets a bit crude in places. This may be what spurred me to write my own: I wanted to be able to read something funny like this without having to cringe.
YOUR HOROSCOPE from no later than 1985, no author listed.
CAPRICORN (22 Dec-19 Jan)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as a dog might think you
are a tree and piss on you.
AQUARIUS (20 Jan-18 Feb)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over. People
think you are stupid. And many of them are right.
PISCES (19 Feb-20 Mar)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the
CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are
generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
They also eat zucchini.
AIRES (21 Mar-19 Apr)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick
tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice, and
your breath often smells bad.
TAURUS (20 Apr-20 May)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus
people have BO and fart a lot. They think they are wise; they are merely
opinionated.
GEMINI (21 May-20 June)
You are quick and intelligent as a thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. They
also love to fondle lemmings.
CANCER (21 June-22 July)
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer
people. Cancer people also think they are better than Leos.
LEO (23 July-22 Aug)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo
people are bullies, and female Leos have big busts and long hair. You are
vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are
thieves. They are always combing their hair and looking in mirrors.
VIRGO (23 Aug-22 Sept)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening
to your friends and drives some people crazy. You are cold and unemotional
and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
You also have cold hands and feet and drink a lot to compensate.
LIBRA (23 Sept-22 Oct)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you
are a man you are more than likely queer. Chances for gainful employment
and monetary rewards are excellent. Most Libra women make good
prostitutes. All Libras have venereal disease. They pass it around like a
bottle of beer at a Scotchman's picnic. They seldom bathe and their heads
are full of warts.
SCORPIO (23 Oct-21 Nov)
You are shrewd in business and clever in trading. Many believe you are a
crook. They are right. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of
your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered while still
young.
SAGITARIUS (22 Nov-21 Dec)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have to be-- you have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Sagitarians pick their
noses and teeth in public, but never at the same time. They frequently
become sleepy in mixed company, especially when eating or drinking. They
nod off in the middle of a joke and never remember the end when they are
awakened. They display manners only when visiting or with clergy, which
they never do or are. Males often forget to close their flies, females
usually wear low-cut dresses. This is the result of a mistaken conception
that they have something to see. Other characteristics include moodiness
(a reluctance to change their minds included), belligerance (they will
pick a fight easily, but leave the scene when the fun begins), and
hypochondria (they often think they are dying when it is merely an attack
of gas). Sagitarians often leave their spouses and go to the North pole
seeking fame and fortune. They are fundamentally crazy.
Now, we have another set. I received the following horoscopes on Friday, 17 Jan 1997 from Darrell Ottery. Please be assured that he did not write them. He claims no credit for them other than for sending them to me. If you found the ones above objectionable, you will certainly not like this set. It's clear what happened was some sad "I wish I was funny" moron got hold of the above set and wanted to send them around but thought they lacked a certain flair. So he added some words from his own, personal, and above all small vocabulary. This is the kind of person who plagiarises, I figure. It's a lovely example of what stupid people are like.
Aquarius
Jan 23 - Feb 22
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are
stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces
Feb 23 - Mar 22
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but
piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries
Mar 23 - April 22
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
general dipshit.
Taurus
April 23 - May 22
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think your are stubborn and bullheaded. You
are nothing but a goddamed communist.
Gemini
May 23 - June 22
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means
your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer
June 23 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which
makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you
will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison
is a Cancer.
Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy
masturbation more than sex.
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus
drivers and pimps.
Libra
Sept 23 - Oct 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All
Libras die of venereal desease.
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 22
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios
are murdered.
Sagittarius
Nov 23 - Dec 22
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians
are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn
Dec 23 - Jan 22
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.