Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on
your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently,
"That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into tis mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under
Follow same procedure as in first step, but hold
cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right
arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
(Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in first step, except when you have
cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair,
fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open
cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be a le to see what you're doing.
That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man......have
a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming first position, say sternly, "Who's the
boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and . . . Oooops!
This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha!
Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.
Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over
Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait
for no man or woman.
Resume first position again. Rotate your left hand
to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals
of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila!
Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds
Take two aspirins and lie down.