Insult List

You are so dumb, you think that martial arts are paintings by the sheriff.
I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
If fat were gasoline, you'd have enough to circle the earth 3 TIMES!
You look like you've been pulled backward through a knothole.
You look like you've been rode hard and put away wet.
Your face can shrivel a man like a 3 hour bath.
Your mother is so big, that her graduation picture had to be an aerial view.
If art imitates life, you'd be a black velvet painting.
What is that on you head? A hairball from a mountain lion?
I'd get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a tree (or cactus), than being with you.
Your mother was raped by a German Shepherd and you are the after effect.
Your face could turn Medusa to stone.
You have the intellegence of a bucket of rocks.
Your origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under your family tree.
You have the shape of a stocking filled with dung.
Your mouth is so big, you could suck an egg from a chicken.
You are as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread.
You have less backbone than a chocolate eclair.
You have the warm personal charm of a millipede.
You are so dumb, that when asked your name, you are stuck for an answer.
Your face looks as if you were weaned on a pickle.
You do not understand men (or women) as you have never successfully depicted one.
You have about as much class as a lawn flamingo.
The eyes are the window to the mind and your eyes look like the holes in a privy.
Your fragrance of choice is "Eau De Skunk".
Please sit down and take a mess off your feet.
You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.
You are such a sourpuss, that when you suck a lemon---the lemon makes a face.
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.
Your skin is so soft, just like the texture of smut that grows on corn.
You have such a full round face---just like a baboon's butt.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
Your brain is so weak, you have to wear crutches under your ears.
One night spent with you and men volunteer to become eunuchs.
You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.
The only time you ever got to second base was at the petting zoo.
Is that your face--or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?
You have an hourglass figure. Too bad the sand settled in all the wrong places.
You have such a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck?
Travel broadens a person. You look as if you have been all over the world.
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.
You are so dumb, you think "getting lucky" is finding a penny on the ground.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.
You wear so much makeup, that you leave a clown imprint on your pillowcase.
Was it hard learning to be so ugly or were you a quick study?
If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.
Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?
You are so dumb, you think a blood vessel is some kind of ship.
You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.
You are so dumb, you thought a buttress was a female goat.
You are so dumb, you think manual labor is the president of Mexico.
Stagnant pond scum licker
Maggot muncher
Litreen lips
3 week old road kill
Snail snot
Odiferous octupus ooze
Pompous proliferator of putrid puns
Lizard lips
Vulture vomit
You must come from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You are so ugly, you have put a new definition on road kill.
Your mother is so near-sighted, she propositions statues.
Your face is a waste of molecules.
You perplex me--usually someone with your limited physical appeal makes up for it with a REAL personality.
Waiting for you to say something intelligent is like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa.
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
I wish your charm could be bottled--then a cork could be put in it.
Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
You appear to be the culmination of years of major genetic mishaps.
So--How is that bladder control problem?
You have been fooled more times than a public welfare worker.
They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like, obviously he never met you.
I heard you spend your spare time chasing carriages and eating Alpo.
Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity.
Your mother is so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Your mother is so fat, she had to be baptized in the Atlantic Ocean.
When they made you, they broke the mold---and beat the mold maker.
You are so dumb, when told that it's chilly outside, you get a bowl.
You have such big puppy dog eyes. Reminds me of the dog we put to sleep.
I understand your father found a previously unknown use for sheep...WOOL!
Your mother is so fat that the back of her neck looks like a package of sausages.
Your mother is so fat that before god said, "Let there be light" he told her to move out of the way.
You mother's teeth are so yellow, she can spit butter.
Your mother's teeth are so black, she spits ink.
Your mother is so old, instead of passing gas she passes dust.
I have heard that you have 2 brains! Unfortunately, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
I understand you have Van Gogh's ear for music.
You lost your mind when a butterfly kicked you in the head.
You're so dumb, you play solitaire...for cash.
Your sister is so ugly, even the tide will not go out with her.
I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE!
I hear you come from a long line of first cousins.
You've found a new profession, taste-tester for Alpo.
You were so ugly as a child, your mother breast fed you through a straw.
You're so dumb, you need a cue card to say "Huh?"
You're so dumb, your fingers and toes are numbered.
You're so dumb, the only thing you got on your IQ test was drool.
You're so dumb, you need instructions on how to use a rocking chair.
You're so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
I hear you're a farmer's daughter and that you can't keep your calves together.
I hear you're a cabinetmaker's daughter and everyone knows what's in your drawers.
I hear you're a gravedigger's daughter and you'll lie under any sod.
I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
I would have been your father (mother), but the dog (sheep) beat me upstairs.
You are so dumb, you got a job climbing trees because you wanted to be a branch manager.
Your mother is like a carpenter's dream...flat as a board and easy to nail.
I heard they peeled off your makeup and found a whole nother painting underneath.
You are so ugly, that in 20 countries it is illegal for you to marry.
If I could afford the wood, I'd have your mouth boarded up.
Your mother is so ugly, that when she entered an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Your mother is so fat, her shadow weighs 50 pounds.
Your mother is so fat, when she went to the zoo, elephants threw her peanuts.
Your mother is so ugly, her face can stop a sun dial.
Your breath is so bad, that when you yawn, your teeth duck out of the way.
Your mother is not really so bad. I hear she would give you the hair off her back.
Your mother is so fat, when she took her clothes to be laundered, they said, "Sorry, we don't do tents."
Your mother is so fat, she wears a sign that says, "Caution, Wide Turn".
You're so dumb, you'd have to dig for your IQ.
Your mother is so fat that she sweats bacon grease.
Your mother is twice the man you are.
You are so dumb, you couldn't pour water out of your boots if the instructions were written on the heel.
You're so dumb, you think bigotry is an Italian tree.
You're so dumb, you think a bigamist is Italian fog.
Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.
You're so dumb, you think a naval academy is a school for belly-dancers.
Your father is so dumb, he has to take his clothes off to count to 21 and even then he only gets to 20-1/2.
Ever since I saw your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
You're so ugly, that when you went to the zoo, a baboon blew in your ear.
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
You're so stupid that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I'd get change back.
I heard they had to burn down the school to get you out of the 3rd grade.
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
Your parents must really be good people to pick up a piglet by the side of the road and raise it as their own.
Your mother is so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand.
Your mother is so fat, when she sings - it's over!

New Insults

Your girlfriend tells me that your lovemaking is like going to the dentist...sit back, relax...you won't feel a thing!
I was going to give you a present but I know not how to wrap a bath tub. (Eston Woodreef - Barony of Couer dEnnui-SCA)
So you're the one that put the "P" in the Gene Pool!
I've heard your body has been compared to prime real estate...the problem is how many times has it been rented out...or...but the rent is real cheap...or...and tenants keep moving in and out. (slightly re-written from a clip from a Pro Wrestling ad!)
It's unfortunate about your gambling problem. I heard last week that you lost you whole paycheck playing solitare! (Roger- Fencing Booth Practice Dummy)
I heard your family was so poor, that if you weren't a boy there wouldn't have been anything to play with at all.
Your mother/sister is so ugly that dogs hump their legs with their eyes closed.

For insults that were used during the 1999 season at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival (the really nasty ones) click here!

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Updated 6-12-00