THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL
Copyright 1993, John Shepard,
Performed at Dragonfest, August 1993

Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a  Tootsie Roll (the great big one -as the athame;) a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice;) A small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet;

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:

(Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me,
And as I will So Mote It BE!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
And make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll):

CALL THE QUARTERS:

Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert.
Be present, we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all moochers
Approaching from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten One!
Great prince of the palace of decadence.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all diets
Approaching from the south.

Cocoa of the west, Satisfying One!
Great prince of the palace of thirst.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all carob
Approaching from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all cheap imitations
Approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL:

HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called;
Godiva, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle,  Mrs. See, and by many other names:

HPS:    Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it
be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public
place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all
Goodies.

In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and
are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.

And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly
free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch,
nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence. For mine is
the ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine also is Joy on
Earth, yea, even into High Orbit, for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in
your hand."

Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you or turn
you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the
taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy, padding pounds on your hips.

I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men
and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death........well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS:     Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of
whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer
stores everywhere:

HPS:    I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of
big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to
arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all
confections spring, and unto me all of  you shall return, again.....and
again..........and again..................and again

Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine
self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.

Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of
yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and
mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter
and chocolate covered cherries all within you.

And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall
avail you not unless you know the Mystery; "We will sell no chocolate until
you pay for it."

For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that
which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.

Messed Be.

SWISS MISS:     Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other
names.

HP:     I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the
floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of
chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am the
warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that
leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.

I give you, my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw
strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter
of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I
instill in you my power; the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with
which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you; by
the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering smell of
bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a perfectly
swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you:

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in
that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying
slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is
called "Baking Chocolate," for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I
am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I
will never be farther away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am
the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite
enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined.
 

CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO:

(The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)

HP:     Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate.

HPS:    Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.

HP:     For both are better than the falsely named 'white chocolate,'

HPS:    And neither one is carob.

HP:     As the frosting is to the cupcake,

HPS:    So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar.

BOTH:   And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no
greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

(The blessing of the cupcakes)

HP:     Frosting is keen,

HPS:    And the filling is neat.

BOTH:   Great Goddess! Let's eat!

Feasting and drinking (chocolate liquer, if possible,) music and dance.

Dismiss Quarters.

HPS:    Oh, ye mighty goodies of the ______,
We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle
And ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."

ALL:    "Chooooc-laaate."

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at
the East.)

Close circle.