In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle
of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing. Soon,
a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoe there Ian!" said the doctor.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another
wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie
lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. Then
Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye
think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How
much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be
four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks
the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman
ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." Later in the day, the
Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment
has voted to repair!"
Three men: one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, were out walking along
the beach together one day. They came across a lantern, and a Genie
popped out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes
in total", said the Genie.
The Irishman said, "I am a fisherman, my Da' was a fisherman before
me. His Da' was a fisherman before him, and my son will be one too.
I want all the oceans full o' fish for all eternity." So, with a
blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England,
protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall
The Scot asked, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall." The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 150 feet high,
50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot said, "Fill it up with water."
Angus had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear a soothing small
voice trying to reassure him: "Angus, don't worry about it. You aren't
the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the
last. And you’re single. Let it go."
But invariably, the other small voice would bring him back to reality:
"My God, Angus! You're a veterinarian......."
Fergus was walking down the village lane, and he chanced to spy his neighbor
McDonald on the roof of his cottage, nailing on shingles, so he stopped
to watch. He was surprised to see McDonald take a nail, look at it,
then throw it away in disgust. Then, taking up another, look at it,
mutter in satisfaction, and nail down another shingle. Fergus watched
him for a wee bit, all the while McDonald would repeat the procedure, nailing
some, throwing away others.
Fergus, (being a thrifty Scotsman) couldn't stand it any more.
"McDonald, ye daft mon, wha' the devil are ye be doin', throwin' away good
nails like a daft Irishman?”
McDonald, irritated by this said, "Fergus, ye old sheeplivered
fool, these damned English nails have half the heads on the wrong side!
Fergus snorted in amazed disgust. "McDonald, ye motley beggar,
any slack wit knows those nails be for the other side of the roof!"
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university
and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And
how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother,"
he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that
side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on
the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald!
How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay
here quietly, playing me bagpipes!"