• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
• Paranoids are people, too. They have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 

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